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I A GARDEN PLAY I 



By 



SHEKMAN DICKINSON 

CENTKAL HIGH SCHOOL 

Agricultural Department 



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PRICE THIRTY CENTS 



Copyright 1918 j 

by 

SHERMAN DICKINSON; 

Director of Agriculture and Gardening 

Minneapolis Public Schools j 



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A Pill For Kaiser Bill 

A Garden Play 

CAUTION — Amateurs and professionals are hereby warned that "A 
Pill for Kaiser Bill," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the 
United States, is subject to royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the 
consent of the author or his authorized agent will be liable to the penalties by 
law provided. Application for the right to produce "A Pill for Kaiser Bill" 
must be made to Sherman Dickinson, Central High School, Minneapolis, Min- 
nesota. 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



THE CHARACTERS 

William Jones An American Boy 

Mrs. Jones His Widowed Mother 

Mr. Hohen A Hyphenate 

Mrs. Zollern Another One 

Captain von Bluff Officer in the German Air Service 

Ein Private in the German Air Service 

Zwie Private in the German Air Service 

Drie Private in the German Air Service 

The Mince Pie 

The Time: Early summer. 

The Place: Home of William Jones, American Boy. 

SCENE 1. 

The stage is set as the kitchen of a poor American family. There is the 
usual kitchen furniture and in addition a single bed occupies a prominent posi- 
tion toward the front. There are a number of garden posters upon the walls, 
together with appeals to save food and prevent waste. Door and window at 
the rear and door back right. It is nearly seven-thirty in the evening. 

Mrs. J. (At the door, back, calling) — "William, William, come to 
supper, Sonny." 

Bill (In the distance) — "All right, I'm coming." 

Mrs. J. — "Hurry up, everything is ready" (finishes putting food on 
table). 

Bill enters rear, barefooted, with straw hat, hoe and cultivator, radishes 
and onions. Puts tools at rear and vegetables on table and throws hat in the 
corner. Is very tired and shows it in walk and attitude. Sits down and starts 
to eat ravenously. 

Mrs. /. — "Hard work, Billy?" 

Bill— 'Uh, huh." 



Mrs. J. — "Of course gardening isn't all fun, but then you are helping 
Uncle Sam. You are getting strong and healthy out there, too. See how 
brown you are getting." 

Bill — "Sure, I'm getting strong all right, but it would be lots more fun 
getting strong playing or out on the river or fishing or something. I'd like that." 

Mrs. J. — "Certainly you would and I'd like to have you, but you wouldn't 
be raising food and winning the war. You can sell a good deal, too, you 
know." 

Bill — "Yeh, but I could make more money doing something else. De- 
livering groceries or anything." 

Mrs. J. — "You know, Sonny, it is not a question of money; it is a ques- 
tion of food." 

Bill — "Oh, I guess you're right." 

Mrs. J. — "I don't suppose, William,, that after working all afternoon with 
the onions, you would care for any mince pie?" 

Bill — "Mince pie?" (Bill leans back in his chair and seems to devour the 
pie with his eyes.) "Mince pie." 

Mrs. J. — "Will you have some, William?" 

Bill — "Will I have some? Jiminy! No, mother, no, thank you. That 
is, no more than you can spare. Gee, wish I hadn't eaten so much. You're 
a peach, mother." (Eating.) 

Mrs. J. — "I know you're a little discouraged now, son, but just think of 
the thousands of American boys who are gardening as you are to help Uncle 
Sam win." : 

Bill — "Do you thnik it would worry the old Kaiser if he knew, mother?" 

Mrs. J. — "Certainly. He probably does know, too." (Eating.) 

Bill — "Well, that helps. Saving that pie for next year?" 

Mrs. J. — "No-o-o. But it's the last of the mince meat, and I thought 
maybe — " 

Bill — "Well, let's have another small sample. Something might happen 

to it over night. (Mother cuts pie and gives it to him.) Gee, but I'm tired." 

(He is eating this piece of pie more slowly, and is interrupted in the process 

by frequent yawns. Mrs. Jones has cleared the table, arranged the dishes for 

washing and is straightening up the kitchen.) 

Bill — -"Well, anyhow, the rest of the gang is in the Garden Club, so they 
will be as busy as I am." (Bill manages to finish the pie but can't stop the 
yawns.) 

Bill — "Going to bed, I guess. Hard day tomorrow." (Starts to undress.) 

Mrs. J. — "William, haven't you forgotten something?" 

Bill — "Nope, I just can't finish it." (Unlacing shoes.) 

Mrs. J. — -"You know, I don't mean the pie. What about your teeth?" 

Bill — "Aw, gee! They're all right, mother." 

(Mother merely stands and looks at him, and he reluctantly and with 
much grumbling leaves the room.) 

Mrs. J. — "Your pajamas are in there, too, William." 

(While he is gone Mrs. J. finishes straightening up the kitchen, winds the 
clock and locks the back door. Bill comes in, undressed with pajamas on, and 
gets into bed. Mother bends over the bed, lamp in hand and kisses him.) 

W% * ' ;9 *8 ©CLD 49513 



Mrs. J. — "Happy dreams, Sonny. Mother appreciates what you are do- 
ing, and so does Uncle Sam. Remember, the Kaiser is afraid of you. Happy 
dreams." 

Bill — "Uh, huh." (Covers are over Bill's head. Mrs. Jones shuts the 
door softly and tiptoes through kitchen and out the side door, to retire for rest.) 
(Stage dark.) 



SCENE II. 

Light stage. The scene is the same as the first. From the light it seems 
l.o be sometime between seven and eight in the morning. 

Mrs. J. (Calling off stage) — "William, William, time to get up, Sonny." 
(Bill turns over in bed with covers oyer his head, but says nothing. Mrs. Jones 
enters, putting on apron, and starts breakfast.) 

Mrs. J. — "William!" (Bill grumbles under the covers and sticks foot out 
at the foot of the bed.) "Come, now. Get up. I don't want to have to pour 
cold water on you." 

Bill gets up. Hair is much disheveled, eyes heavy and yawns numerous. 
He dresses partly in room right as Mrs. J. puts breakfast on the table. 

Mrs. J. — "Hurry, William." 

Bill (Enter R.) — "Not very hungry this morning." (Starts to sit down.) 

Mrs. J. — "Yes, but you will be hungry before you get through with the 
morning. Better wash, hadn't you?" 

Bill — "I suppose" (washing). "Garden all day today, isn't it? Got to 
get it all cleaned up for Sunday. Nice day though; guess it won't be so bad." 
(Sits at table with Mrs. J. If Bill isn't hungry, he is giving a pretty good 
imitation of a boy that is.) 

Bill — "Got to put in another planting of peas, and radishes, too, I guess. 
Fred Nelson has promised to sell all the stuff we can't use here at the grocery. 
Ought to make a little cash, all right." 

Mrs. J. — "I should say so. And just think, with what we eat fresh and 
what I can store away, we'll be able to laugh at high prices next winter. Oh, 
Billy, you have no idea how much it all helps." 

Bill— "Oh-h-h^h. I dunno." 

Mrs. J. — "Yes, you do. Think of how President Wilson and Mr. Hoover 
are appealing to the boys and girls to have gardens and produce a lot of vege- 
tables so that wheat, meat, sugar and fat can be shipped across the ocean." 

Bill — "Yes, but, gee whiz! lookit the work it takes. Don't have near 
enough time to play. 'Course, it's sorta interesting sometimes, but darn those 
onions!" 

Mrs. J. — "Of course, it takes a lot of work, son, nobody says it doesn't 
and everybody appreciates what you are doing. But think! What about 
the men who are in the trenches? Don't they have to be pretty brave to — " 

Bill — "Yes, but they can have a gun and wear a uniform and get medals 
and — " 

Mrs. J. — "Of course that makes it harder for you, but it shows your 
bravery, too. You are doing just as much as you can and though your work 
doesn't seem quite as glorious, nevertheless it is just as important. Remember 
when you are weeding those onions that they are going to help to keep the wolf 



from the door and the Kaiser from winning. What you raise in the garden 
we will not have to buy, and that much more can be sent to our soldier boys." 

(A knock is heard at the outside door. Mrs. Jones rises and goes back C, 
opens it, and a well-dressed man enters. Has the general appearance of a citizen 
of the Fatherland. Is very pleasant, but talks somewhat brokenly. Comes down 
C. and Bill moves R. to bed. ) 

Man — "How do you do? Does William Jones live here?" 

Mrs. J. — "Yes, here he is. Just eating breakfast. Won't you have a 
chair?" 

Man — "Thank you. I am Mr. Hohen." (Sits front of table, center.) 

Mrs. J. — "Mr. Cohen?" 

Man — "No; not at all, Mr. Hohen; capital H-o-h-e-n." 

Mrs. J. — "Oh, Mr. Hohen — has William been doing something he 
shouldn't?" 

Hohen — "Ha, ha. Not that I know of. Have you, young man?" 

Bill — "No, sir. I don't think so." (Sits on bed.) 

Hohen — "The only thing I know of is this working in a garden all day 
long with onions and radishes and such foolishness. I certainly can't understand 
it in a bright boy like you." 

Mrs. J. — "Why, we thought that was a fine thing." 

Bill — "Sure, all the guys are at it." 

Hohen — "Yes, you have all been most thoroughly misled. What good 
can a few vegetables do you or anybody else? You ought to be doing some- 
thing where you can earn a lot of money and be having a good time, also." 

Bill — "Well, it isn't a great deal of fun, but — " 

Hohen — "Fun! I should say not. Let me tell you what I came to see 
you about. I own a great many candy, grocery and drug stores all over the 
country, and the war has taken so many of my men away that I have a hard 
time to find enough help. Now, I want a lot of bright boys like you to come 
and work for me. I will pay you good wages and you can have all the candy 
and gum and fruit you want to eat. What do you say? You get a bunch 
of boys and come along with me. We'll start you out the first thing." 

Bill — (Jumps up toward center.) "Say, that would be swell, wouldn't 
it? I'll get my gang and we'll hop right to it." (Mr. Hohen seems pleased 
and rises. Bill is much excited; goes toward door, back, and collects, cap and 
coat. However, in putting his hand in his pocket he finds a garden appeal to 
boys. He reads it.) 

Bill — (Reading as if to himself.) "To American boys: Be a Food 
Soldier. Your country needs you now as never before. Plant a garden and 
care for it so there will be more food for our soldiers and our allies. Do your 
duty!" (Bill hesitates a minute, realizing that he is letting his garden go. 
However, he throws the card on the bed and starts toward the door. Stops 
again and looks at his mother. She glances at him and then at the card on the 
bed. Sheepishly he seems to come to a decision and throws his cap into a corner 
and comes down right.) 

Hohen — "Well, well! What's the matter?" 

Bill — "Aw, I guess I can't do it. That's all." 

Hohen — "Why, boy; just think of being with the gang all the time and 
the wages and candy and 1 — " 



Bill — "Aw, forget it! I just can't go and leave that garden out there. 
I just — " 

Hohen — (Down and toward Bill.) "Forget it yourself, Bill. That 
garden isn't worth the time you put in on it. I'll give you twice what you 
make." 

Mrs. J. — "But that isn't it, you see. There is plenty of money in the 
world but not enough food. That is why William thinks he should grow all 
he can." 

Hohen — "But that isn't true. There is plenty of food for everybody." 

Bill — "We're taking Mr. Hoover's word for it. He knows what he is 
talking about. Besides, if I am going to work, I might as well do the thing 
that will help the most." 

Hohen — "Then you don't want to work for me?" 

Bill — "Sure I want to work for you. Gee, whiz! What do you think 
I am, a regular nut? I'm not crazy about gardening, but I have to do it." 

Hohen — (Moves toward the door back.) "Well, young man, I must say 
that you are very foolish. I assure you that you will be sorry some day that 
you didn't do as I wanted you to do." (Mr. Hohen leaves, slamming the door 
behind him. Bill sulks a little.) 

Mrs. J. — "Never mind, Billy." (He soon starts to whistle "Over There" 
as he gets out tools for work. Mrs. Jones clears away the breakfast things as 
she does 365 days in the year. Bill is working on his planting line, when an 
auto siren is heard outside. A knock at the door follows and Bill opens the door 
to a 'beautiful, also slightly German, lady. She seems wealthy, lovely and 
gracious. She enters. Her speech is somewhat broken. Mrs. J. at table 
Front center.) 

Lady — "Good mornnig, Mrs. Jones. How are you, William?" (Sits.) 
"You see, I know you people very well, though you don't know me. I am 
Mrs. Zollern." 

Mrs. J. — "Why — I do not know — Mrs. Z — Mrs. Z — " 

Mrs. Z. — "Mrs. Zollern. Mr. Zollern is connected with war work." 

Mrs. ].— "Oh." 

Mrs. Z. — "I have been wathcing William for some time and think he is 
a fine boy. You see (pretends to brush away a tear) I have no boy of my own 
and I do love them so. I want to ask a very great favor of you." 

Mrs. J. — (Sits down.) "I am sure we will be glad to oblige you." 

Bill — "Sure." (Standing down right with planting line.) 

Mrs. Z. — "I want to do something for boys, so I thought I would take a 
crowd of them on a camping trip. We will go up the river to a beautiful spot 
I know of, pitch a big tent and spend the summer in hunting, swimming, fishing 
and anything we may want to do. We could all have a splendid time. I 
expect you could come up for a week and visit, Mrs. Jones." 

Bill — (Drops line and advances.) "Jiminy crickets! Wouldn't that be 
great? I've always wanted to go camping, but never had the chance. The gang 
would sure be crazy and we could have the swellest time. Gee, mother! I can 
go, can't I?" (Mrs. Jones is rather reluctant to let him go for she does not 
want to spoil such a good time as this promises to be.) 

Mrs. J. — "Yes, if you really want to go, I guess you can." 

Bill — "Do you want me to get ready now?" 






Mrs. Z. — "Yes, the sooner, the better. We must take advantage of the 
good weather. When you are ready we will get the other boys." 

Mrs. Z. — "Isn't it lovely weather we are having?" 

Mrs. J. — "Most delightful for this time of the year." (Bill at once starts 
to pack his things in an old suitcase. Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Zollern sit talking. 
Bill seems to be looking for something he can't find.) 

Bill — "Mother, where is my fish rod?" 

Mrs. J. — "Don't you remember, Willitam, you pledged yourself not 
to go fishing until your beans are two feet high? You had me put it away." 

Mrs. Z. — "What a shame!" 

Bill — "Aw, gee! Well, there's plenty of other things to do." (Bill con- 
tinues his packing.) 

Mrs. Z. — "It's too bad he can't take his fish pole, though. Couldn't you 
let him?" 

Mrs. J. — "Oh, yes. But William usually is pretty honest with himself. 
He promised, and he usually keeps his word." 

(Bill has been examinnig an old pair of high shoes in evident disgust. 
Comes to the front with them in his hands.) 

Bill — "Say, mother, how about that new pair of boots you told me I 
could have? Can't I have them before I go?" 

Mrs. J. — "No, William, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it will be no boots at 
all now. You see, we will have to spend the boot money for potatoes and flour 
because with you away we will have no garden. It will mean cutting down in a 
good many ways. But then you will be having a good time, so go ahead." 

Mrs. Z. — "Yes, hurry up, William, it's getting late and Mr. Zollern is 
probably getting anxious." 

Bill — "Will it really make much difference, mother?" 

Mrs. J. — "You know, William, just as well as I do how much help you 
were going to be both to me and to Uncle Sam. Things have not changed 
any since yesterday. But go ahead. One boy won't make a great deal of dif- 
ference." 

Mrs. Z. — "Of course not." 

Bill — "Yes, but suppose all the fellers thought that way?" (To front.) 

Mrs. J. — "There wouldn't be any gardens, that's all." 

Bill — "Well, doggone it!" (Throws boots under bed.) "Looks as 
though I can't do this, either. Would be kinda slackin' on the job, all right. 
Here I promised myself and everybody else to do my part and here I go chasing 
off at the first chance for a good time." (Turns to Mrs. Z.) "I'm sure awful 
sorry, but I guess I can't do it after all. Thank you just the same." 

Mrs. Z. — "Do you mean that you are going to stay home in a little bit 
of a garden and work instead of accepting my invitation to go camping?" 

Bill — "Yes; every little bit helps. 'Scuse me, but they seem to think so." 
(Mrs. J. shows her pleasure in William's decision.) 

Mrs. Z. — "Can't you show him how foolish he is, Mrs. Jones?" 

Mrs. J. — "I'm sorry, I'm sure, but I think William is right. It would not 
be fair for him to spend his summer in idleness when our boys are fighting for him 
in France, and other men are working long hours behind the lines." 



(Mrs. Zollern arises abruptly and walks toward the door; is very angry at 
being so rebuffed and shows it by her clenched hands and scowling expression. 
She opens the door and turns.) 

Mrs. Z. — "I am very sorry that you are so pin-headed about it. I offer 
you pleasure and you prefer to work, as you say for your country. You may 
be sorry." 

(She departs. Siren is heard again; this time in a peculiar way, as if 
signalling. ) 

Mrs. J. — "What a peculiar sound — almost like a signal." (She has 
finished her breakfast work and sits down to knit.) Bill sits on bed, rather 
downcast and gloomy.) 

Bill — "Well, I did what was right that time, anyway." 
Mrs. J. — "Yes, you did, Sonny, no doubt of that. Always do what is 
right, no matter what happens. And it won't all be work. After the garden 
is well started there will be plenty of time for play." 

(Silence. From now on the light becomes gradually dimmer. A face 
appears at the window. It is very fierce and looks somewhat like the Kaise^ in 
his worst moods. Disappears, and almost immediately a man in German aviator's 
uniform, fully armed, bursts in, fires a revolver in the air. He is very abrupt 
and speaks English with difficulty.) 

Man — -"Throw up your hands." (He points a revolver at Bill, who jumps 
up and puts hands above his head. Is undoubtedly scared. Mrs. Jones screams 
and moves to left. The man shuts the door behind him and searches the room.) 

Man — "Have you any guns or other weapons concealed here?" 

Bill — "My air rifle is behind the door." 

(The man secures the rifle and puts it against the wall behind him. 
Makes Bill turn around and searches his pockets for weapons. Finds nothing.) 

Man — "Take your hands down, both of you." 

(Bill and his mother are glad to do this and comply. The man sits 
down. Bill and Mrs. Jones start to do so.) 

Man — -"Who told you to sit down? Stay up." 

Bill — "Say, you're no gentleman to sit down while a lady is standing." 

Man — "That is my business. Now, look here. I am Captain von Bluff 
of the German Air Service. Boys like you. are doing more to hurt Germany 
than a whole army of men. With your gardens you are raising enough so that 
you can ship many things to England and France. The Kaiser is very mad. 
He will not allow it, you hear?" 

Bill — "Aw, say, feller, where do you get that stuff? What are you 
talking to me like that for? This is the U. S. A., not Germany. You can't 
make me swallow that stuff." 

Captain — "I do not want you to eat anything." (Rises.) "There are 

. now many men like myself, and airplanes, detailed to do nothing but keep you 

boys from having gardens. We tried to change you in other ways, but now we 

will have to use force. Terrible things will happen to you if you do not give up 

your garden." 

Bill — "I won't do it. I — ■" 

Captain — "If you don't, we will drop bombs on the house and burn it." 

Bill — "You might miss. I'll wait till you try it." 

Captain — "We might cut off your ears." 



Bill — "I don't hoe with my ears." 

Captain — "Fool! What would you say if we killed the woman here? 
Then you would say yes, eh?" 

Bill — "You wouldn't dare to to — " 

Captain — "What do we care for her? We do it all the time, don't we?" 

Bill — "If I give up my garden will you let her alone?" 

Captain — "I promise you." 

Mrs. J. — "William, don't give up your garden. What are their promises? 
Lies! all of them, lies! Your garden is worth more than my life." 

Captain — "Idiot!" 

Bill — "Alright, mother." 

Captain — "I'll waste no more time with you. Although lead is costly, it is 
worth much less than your garden. I'll just shoot you and let it go at that. 
I'm busy." 

Bill — "Go ahead; but it will make the rest of the boys mad and they will 
work all the harder. 

(The captain pulls out his automatic, aims at Bill and pulls tfie trigger — 
but there is only a snap. The gun is empty.) 

Captain — "Mein Gott! No cartridges! Now I must waste more time. 
I will have to take you with me." 

Bill — "You will not. I won't go." 

Captain — "Won't you? We'll see about that." (He blows shrilly upon 
a whistle and three Germans, in aviators' uniforms, appear, marching single file 
at the goose-step. They march to the center of the room and arrange themselves, 
facing the audience. Ein, entering in the lead is a very small man. Zwie, 
next in line, is a little taller, but very fat, and Drie is very tall and thin. Im- 
mediately upon halting they salute. The captain blows the whistle, they about 
face; whistle, they right face; whistle, they left face; Whistle, they about face.) 

Captain — "These are but three of the Kaiser's faithful men." (At the 
word "faithful," Ein, Zwie and Drie wink broadly.) 

Captain — "Ein und Zwie. Hump!" (They salute.) "Die Frauen zu 
den Stulen fassen." (Fasten the woman to the chair.) "Drie. Hump!" 
(Drie salutes.) "Der yongen mit Sie getragen." (Take the boy with you.) 
Ein and Zwie take Mrs. Jones and after some resistance, tie her to a chair. At 
the same time the captain and Drie tackle Bill. He gives them quite a tussel and 
yells a good deal. They are silent. They have a large sack, and after tying 
him securely, they drop him into it with a resounding thud. 

(The stage goes dark.) 

SCENE III. 

(Stage is dimly lighted and Bill is discovered in his night clothes, tangled 
up in the blankets and thrashing about on the floor on his back, with his feet 
caught in the bed clothes on the bed. Mrs. Jones comes to the door in bath 
robe and with a lamp in her hand. 

Mrs. J. — "What's the matter, Sonny?" (Crosses.) 

Bill — (Untangling himself.) "Can I have a drink, mother?" (Mrs. Jones 
smiles and gets him the drink and brings it where he is sitting on the side of the 
bed. Sits down with him. Bill gulps down the water. 

Bill — "I guess the Kaiser is afraid, mother. I'm going to keep on fighting 
him, too." 

(Final curtain.) 



